Silenced by Guilt: Unlocking the Path to Assertiveness

Introduction

During assertiveness lectures, we learn that assertiveness is the skill to:

• Clearly express what we think and how we feel,
• Openly communicate what we need, and
• Set boundaries, all while respecting the other side.

However, although all of this sounds very intuitive and easy, in practice, we often struggle with being assertive. What we usually hear is that these are our misconceptions that need to be reprogrammed. But they didn’t sprout from our heads spontaneously; they’re a product of the culture we grew up in.

During our upbringing, through education, school, and various media, we received messages like: “The wiser one gives in”, “Self-praise is no praise”, “Silence is golden”, and many others.

Therefore, we cannot call our culture assertive, which is why, not surprisingly, it’s a foreign word. Thus, it wouldn’t be fair to blame the individual for everything.

But here we are, and whether we call it assertiveness or something else, the ability to advocate for our own needs while respecting others’ needs is of utmost importance for us and our well-being. However, it’s not just about us, assertiveness at work isn’t just desirable; it’s also our responsibility: when we need to represent the company’s or team’s needs to a client, when we need to give feedback, contribute to a project with our suggestions, and in many other situations.

Therefore, if we’re still struggling with the beliefs we grew up with, this text is here to help us see where we get stuck when trying to be assertive and how to overcome these obstacles.

The Myth of Selfishness in Self-Expression

We all want to avoid rejection, and it’s one of the biggest fears we overcome while growing up. But if, in our desire to avoid rejection, we follow the proverbs above, putting others’ needs first, behaving modestly and inconspicuously, we’ll be in a passive position, simply waiting for someone to “see” us.

The problem is that when we finally start behaving assertively, we’ll feel guilt as a consequence of previous beliefs we haven’t fully let go of yet.

But guilt is an inevitable and sure sign of change, and counterintuitively, in this case, it means we SHOULD continue with the behavior we’re adopting. This is the price we must be willing to pay for visibility.

If we want to be visible, we must make peace with the idea that we’ll always be the villain in someone’s story, and that’s not easy. Sometimes, we’ll be perceived as bad if we stand up for ourselves, someone will feel offended if we advocate for our needs, and despite all efforts to be respectful, someone WILL be hurt by our behavior.

What can make dealing with guilt easier is starting with less important situations and with people you believe will be cooperative, for example, saying you disagree with a suggestion made by a trusted colleague. This way, there’s a much better chance you’ll receive positive feedback that will give you the momentum to face more challenging situations and conversation partners.

The Visibility Paradox

Famous psychologist George Kelly spoke about how natural it is for humans to want others to understand them, but not as natural to want to understand others.

That’s always the case when we’re children, and then, as we grow up, we become aware that if we want to get something, we must also consider the position of the person we’re asking and what we need to give in return.

For example, if there’s currently no room for an initiative we want to implement, we can always ask our superior to outline the conditions that need to be met for it to be realized, or find an alternative solution that satisfies both sides.

We certainly won’t be happiest if we don’t immediately get what we want, but assertiveness is never just about us, even if we’d often like it to be different.

Because You Deserve It!

We’re bombarded with this phrase from various directions, through media, self-help books, life coaches, and gurus, and it’s not surprising that we get carried away with the thought that we just need to work on our “energy” to attract what we need.

But no amount of “money-festing” will help when we need a raise, nor will simply believing that we inherently deserve something.

Unfortunately, nothing “belongs” to us just like that, and the world isn’t designed to respond to our every demand, just as it isn’t our role to satisfy everyone else’s needs.

If we exclude basic human rights and contractual rights, what we “deserve” in one place, we won’t necessarily deserve in another. Almost everything is a matter of negotiation, and insisting on “deserving” something won’t bring results.

So, it’s not a question of whether we deserve to advance to a new role, but whether the company we’re in wants/can respond to that request. And sometimes, this check alone is a sufficient gain, it’s just up to us to decide whether that works for us or not.

If I Don’t Shout, No One Will Hear Me

This often happens when we perceive someone’s behavior as unacceptable, or when we become furious. In those moments, it might seem like the other person is “doing something deliberately”, attacking, or disrespecting us, so we respond aggressively.

In reality, no one has “attacked” us (fortunately), it’s our interpretation of events.

While anger is valid because it reminds us of our needs, rage is almost always a distorted view of the situation, trapping us in our own perspective. And to remind ourselves, the goal of assertiveness is precisely to consider both perspectives.

We are adults. We are not helpless, and there are better ways to get what we want. First of all, by setting aside negative assumptions about the reasons behind others’ behavior and being open to hearing what’s really going on.

P.S. If we shout, no one will hear anything except our rage.

From withdrawn to overbearing

How do people usually change?

By swinging from one extreme to another.

For example, if we were previously completely silent, it’s most likely that our next phase will be overcompensating, trying to stand up for ourselves at every possible moment.

And yes, this might annoy those around us, which is exactly the selfishness we were trying to avoid. But this phase is usually short-lived, as soon as we receive feedback, it becomes clear that balance is needed. The only way forward is to experiment, make mistakes, and endure the guilt that comes with change.

Mastering Assertiveness Doesn’t Guarantee Success

To bring this full circle:

Even if we master assertiveness, it doesn’t guarantee success, because nothing does.

Being assertive means we knock on the door, not that it will necessarily open.

At the end of the day, the key is to take responsibility for our actions and thoughts. Whether we live by “Wisdom is silent until time speaks” or “Time waits, but words don’t” the choice is ours.